The Corner Seat

Every man will undoubtedly identify with what I'm about to say because they've looked me in the eyes on the battlefield and locked horns with me in the quest of it and it's never pretty. The End Seat of the row on planes, in movie theaters, in church and every other social venue that requires being seated turns me into Leonidas from 300 every time. There's nothing scarier in the car en route to your destination other than traffic than wondering if you'll be on time and then by extension if you'll have somewhere to sit. Of course, by that I mean not just anywhere to sit, but the corner seat specifically. You know the seat that gives you extra leg space on one side. The seat that gives you absolute independence and freedom to get up and go to the bathroom freely without having to go through the act of excusing yourself by every pair of kneecaps and shoes as you try to move gracefully through the row to get to the aisle as you are almost handicapped to get cooperation to be able to go to the bathroom. It's disgusting. You piss everyone off on the way to the bathroom and just as people get comfortable again after you've left and they've forgot you existed, you've got to get back to your seat so you have to go through the whole song and dance again to return to your seat. And Heaven forbid you have to go to the bathroom more than once, or your phone rings or you get to coughing and need a drink of water or visit the concession stand because it's pretty much an unwritten rule that you've used your one grace exit and entrance back to your seat and that any additional interruptions and disturbances will cause unpleasant reactions that may not be able to be masked. People will give you the benefit of hiding their displeasure the first time around but the second time, expect funny looks or unnecessary clicks of tongues or sighs like your mother ought to send out hand written apologies to everybody in your way for ever having gave birth to you.

If you ask me, I'd much rather stand up during a movie if I get there 5-10 minutes late than have to get to the two open seats in the middle of the road. But what can you do if you're with company in the public? Sometime I wish I were handicapped so my seat would be guaranteed and not only that I'd have a quick spot upfront in the parking lot too, but instead I'm using my legs like asshole. Lucky me.