The Art of calling off work

Despite me having this blog, I'm actually not the biggest slacker I know or even anywhere near the laziest of the bunch. In fact, out of my friends, I was the first to get a job when I was 15 and I liked getting money so much I also subsequently became the first of my friends to have 2 jobs at once and I've been working ever since. I bring that up so you know my track record. That said, who doesn't have days where the alarm clock rings too fast and catches you not quite ready to get on with the day? Or the times where, like today, the weather isn't in agreement with you look outside and Ohio is at it's Ohioest? Are you really trying to take your warm ass outside and with Jack Frost playahating on you and your car windows?

We've all been there right? Not too sure on what lie is gonna get you off the hook? Well I think I've mastered the lost art of "Get out of work". Every lie you can think of I've thought of. Every lie you've ever pondered I've got the pros and cons for each of them and the most believable route for keeping you home and keeping your job. I'm taking you behind the scenes and pinpointing your endgame so you can see things before they happen like LeBron James on a fast break. You need to step your lie game up? I can help.

Think about it, most people wake upon a work day and know if they're going in or not within 5 minutes of waking up, and end up wasting half of a potential off day working up the nerve to sell a lie that even they wouldn't believe if they were the one that had to listen to it instead of tell it? Let me coach you up a bit here.

Tip #1: Never trot out the same lie more than a few times a year. It's exactly the kind of thing that can kill a good excuse not only for you but possibly others. You can't have a migraine 4 times in a month and get away with it. The only way to substantiate that kind of fibbing from the companies point of view is to start requiring doctor's notes the day after and unless you roll with that crowd, you can't sustain a lie of that magnitude.

Tip #2: If it's snowy and icy outside and there's just no chance in your plans of you dealing with it when you wake up, do not, I repeat, DO NOT call in ahead too early and tip your hand. They'll know you're fronting. If you don't have to work until 4 and you call in at noon saying the roads are too bad and you try to encourage them to call in someone else because you can't make it, sure it sounds
courteous on the surface but these people are pros they'll out hustle you on those grounds. You're lying to people who aren't on the same level as you. They're raking in more money not because they let people slide on things on a regular basis or they're cool to the people below them but because they optimize productivity. They have to be able to sniff out weak links and cut the fat to save the company money from these kinds of liabilities. What you want to do is to call them at the last possible minute to give the appearance that you did all you could do to try and make it in but it just wasn't going to happen. Yeah you leave them on the hook for finding someone on short notice to fill in but you cannot let your feelings mix with business. Your superiors are not your friends. If they're good at their job, they'll try and make it seem like they are but they're only interested in gaining your trust so that you feel guilt when you do what you do on snowy days like this or days when you can't muster up the motivation to show up to work. The idea is that if the relationship is perceived as one of friendship that you'd treat them like a friend instead of the asshole whose got you mopping up vomit (yes, because every time I'm at a friends house all we do is mop up vomit and holler at girls), or doing some other menial task. So in summation, regardless of what your conscience tells you, stiff them up until the last minute and go about your newly acquired off day.

Tip#3: If you can avoid it, stay away from calling in and saying you broke or sprained a body part or you have some kind of respiratory affliction or you have the flu or what not unless you're Denzel Washington. Most times people overestimate their acting ability and think their an Oscar Award Winning Performer when in reality you're as convincing as Nas was in Belly. The long sell of a cold is tough, in fact nearly impossible. I've only seen it work a handful of times in my life and these people were seasoned vets. I mean these were the Kurt Warners of workers. You could tell they worked their way up through the system and lied on many different levels under many many organizations. This is not for amateurs. So if you must use anything, say you have food poisoning. It's easy to sell, it involves no posturing on the phone and nobody expects you to be suffering any side effects the next day.



I'm Brett Favre, you Aaron Rodgers. I mastered what you trying to learn. I've been a legend at this for a long time and hopefully you've taken good notes and utilize the gifts I been dropping.
Just think about how much sooner the Emancipation Proclamation would have came if I brought my seminar to the plantations. I'd be hitting massa off with that bullshit all day from all different directions. This is real shit right here, homey. From ya man.