New Andressa Soares VIdeo On The Science Of Her Booty (LOL)

Knowledge, like booty, is power and Andressa is a powerful young lady.

Again, just to state for the record again, Brazil is a glorious place straight out of a never neverland. If I learn to speak Portuguese, I'm done here in America. I love America, love my family and friends, my president, and my way of life but I've got to think about my future. I'd feel like LeBron James after next season. I've got to seriously take a look at where I have a better chance of winning despite my hometown bias. Brazil is too lucrative a place not to jump ship to if given the opportunity. Unless America is bringing in women like Andressa Soares to keep me here I'd have to consider in the strongest possible way making a move.

Tuesday's Top Ten: Shittiest Candy Given At Halloween

.....when I was a kid Halloween was my favorite holiday, not unlike most other kids. The one thing I didn't like about Halloween though was getting home, after a hard day of begging strangers, taking off my costume, stretching out on the couch only to find that the majority of my spoils was shitty candy. You put so much into Halloween too. Your parents go out and buy you a shitty cheap costume that you only picked after trying on and subsequently rejecting several other equally shitty cheap costumes. You did this though, and made your parents a party of, and sold a part of your dignity in the process of the evening, in the pursuit of candy. One figures the least people could do was reward your effort by giving you something for your troubles. Instead of Skittles or Snickers or some candy worth its weight in sugar no you receive candy that starving kids in Africa would turn down. Todays list is an ode to the candy that people loved to give you that we all hated to get. This is candy so bad that it's almost a form of mouth rape when you eat it. So without any further wait, the list which is more of an FBI Most (Un) Wanted Top Ten than anything else ....

10.) Butterfinger - We all like butterfingers. You might even be asking yourself why would I put such a delicious candy on a list of this sort? I agree with the Butterfinger nation that they make a great product only where I find displeasure is because Butterfingers don't like us back. Butterfingers are a good idea up until 5 seconds into chewing it then it's like chewing sweet rocks. Just big, sticky annoying chunks of candy stuck to your teeth that have no intention of going anywhere for the rest of your day. Too messy a candy. Butterfingers are the candy version of Iraq and Afghanistan, easy to get into but hard to get out of.

9.) Black Licorice - LOL, I'm black and so it would make sense that I would like this candy, right? Wrong. I hate this candy and everything about it. I don't even mind red licorice. Twizzlers are great. As long as their red. Somebody ever gave me a black twizzler and I became David Duke. Get. It. Out. Of. Here

8.) Milk Duds - Who eats Milk Duds? Could it possibly be the same assholes who eats Peeps at Easter and other terrible candies? Why can't they round up all these douchebags favorite candy and sell them at their own stores so that their candy never even touches the candy I like?

7.) Boston Baked Beans - I have nothing against Boston or Baked Beans. Separately I like baked beans. I also like the Celtics and don't mind the Red Sox so I guess I kinda dig Boston too but Boston Baked Beans are just disgusting.

6.) Salt Walter Taffy - I say this as a life long and avid supporter of the Cincinnati Bengals but Salt Water Taffey is the candy equivalent to my football team. It casts no dispersions as to what it is or what it's about. You pretty much either associate with it out of choice or you don't. There are no gray areas. You know exactly what you're getting into going into it.

5.) Whatever The Fuck This Candy Is - Trust me, if I could identify this candy it would be higher. But I can't so it'll have to stay at ten. This ambiguous label will have to do in a way only 'suspect: black, male and between 18-49' has to do for cops. But I know you know this candy and that plurality of those reading this have even received this candy over the years.

4.) Butter Rum / Root Beer Dum Dums - LOL, We all know when we buy a bag of Dum Dums that once the cherry flavored ones and watermelon flavored ones are out, it's a crap shoot as to which ones are the next best but Butter Rum and Root Beer are the truly crap ones. The worst most evil devious thing that Dum Dum does though is labeling some of them with that question mark so you don't know what it is and you have to stick it in your mouth to find out what it is. And then just for fun they make probability of it being one of the two most disgusting flavors like 80%. You've got a better chance of getting the pretty girl in class at school to ask you out then get a cherry or watermelon flavored Dum Dum on a mystery flavor wrapped sucker. Terrible, no good, very bad awful candy.

3.) Circus Peanuts - This might be a generation thing. I've never met anyone under 50 that eats this. Are your taste buds the first thing that starts failing you as you get old? Because if that's the case I wish to die young and leave a pretty decent looking corpse in my wake. Circus Peanuts ought to be given to the animals of an actual circus and never to the humans in the stands or anywhere else. If I was God, these wouldn't even exist. Not in my universe. No way no how.

2.) Tootsie Roll - The only acceptable Tootsie Roll are the assorted fruit flavored tootsie rolls. The regular chocolately look and I would imagine also taste like rabbit shit. Not only is it cheap but it even tastes like it costs a penny per piece which is probably why after a long night of trick or treating when you looked into your candy bag it was almost all tootsie rolls. This also explains how easy it was to throw that shit in the woods before you came home. The effort of knocking on doors was greater than the coast of said candy. Tootsie Pops are a different case entirely though strangely enough

1.) Candy Corn - There are in fact things that are worse than death, like prison or what happens in prison and yes of course candy friggin' corn. Candy corn is so bad and so cheap that they don't even put it in a wrapper. They just put it in a bag, for easy access to for houses that offer candy for trick or treating, so all the person giving it has to do is stick a hand in the bag and spread it around. Like germs don't exist. It's not even the germs that's the worst part though. The candy is much worse. I'd rather have a scratchy throat, a runny nose and a cough than have a mouthful of candy corn. Corn isn't even a fun thing to eat and I'd rather eat corn than candy corn and I love sugar. I'm from a long line of people with diabetes. If restaurants served candy corn and the salad bar and nothing else, America would not have an obesity crisis on it's hands right now. We'd all have six packs. Bill Maher put it best in his book:

Michael Vick On 60 Minutes August 16, 2009

I don't know what other blogs are posting because in all honesty I don't visit all the other blogs like that. So if you haven't seen this already I'm posting it for your viewing specifically. To be honest, I can't tell you if Vick is being genuine or sincere here or if he's been well coached by a line of PR people inserting ready-made words in his mind packaged for mass consumption but I don't think that's the point. America stands for second chances and it's in this country's DNA to hold true to that ethos. Sink or swim even people who kill dogs are due these opportunities we afford to politicians, coaches and in some cases even family. So in that mindset as a Bengals fan, I cannot wish Vick luck since he plays for another NFL team but I do wish him well.

Create Your Own Customized Bumper Sticker For Free [LOL, This Is Official Right Here]

This might sound corny to some, but I like bumper stickers. Of course, it has to be the right one for me to sign off on but if it's witty and or it's in support of someone I like, more power to you. i might let you cut in front of me in traffic and I'm a complete jerk on the highway. But more to the point, Gliffik is offering a free one time custom bumper sticker that you design and put words to that they'll send you in 1-2 weeks for $0. Of course, since 'Child Please' is my favorite saying here's the bumper I came up with:

LOL, it's up to you how you can come up with yours but again it's totally free and if this is your thing go HERE and go design yourself one. I don't know how long this promotion will be for so don't sleep. Take advantage.

Where Are They Now? Dina From 'Salute Your Shorts'

Not a long post, and I'll keep this short and to the point. Many a young man who are now of their 20's came up on the fineness we all knew as 'Dina' on Nickelodeon's "Salute Your Shorts". Seemingly racially ambiguous and pleasing to many of our eyes she was many of our first television crushes. Well we grew up and forgot about her and apparently she grew up too and she's still fine.

This was her then:










This is her now:

Wednesday's Woman: Francia Raisa

Man, you all will have to forgive me as I haven't posted a Wednesday's Woman in many moons. But alas, I've found the next fixation of the moment, actress Francia Raisa. Apparently she's been a a few dance genre flicks and currently she's on some kiddie show on ABC but her looks are anything but juvenile. I'll let the pics illustrate my point...

 

Beautiful. 

Could You Pass The U.S Citizenship Test?

Think you can? Go here and try...

(Credit: The Buffalo Kid)

Me? I got an 85%

 But of course I got an 85%. Reminds of the Dave Chappelle joke where his white friend he's with gets pulled over for speeding and tells the cop that he didn't know he couldn't go that fast and Dave told him that that kind of thing would work for black people because they know we know the law and how every black person is their own qualified paralegal, LOL.

Take the test see how good you are with the the law.