Russell Simmons Is Getting Raped

According to reports Russell Simmons has been ordered by a judge to pay a reported sum of $40,000/month plus buy a new car for Kimora Lee Simmons every three years.

This is sad sad news how women can get you but let this be a cautionary tale of making sure you've got the right one before you settle down and have kids and put a ring on a woman's finger and enter into that kind of a commitment. Especially in these economic times this becomes even more a depressing proposition. In any case, I've taken the time out of my otherwise busy day to come up with a list of things that are cheaper than what Russell is paying his ex monthly:


*John Thompson III (Georgetown)
*Sean Miller (Xavier)
*The Crooked Ass Cop With The Moustache In "American Gangster"

*Turner Gill (Buffalo)
*A Gallon Of Gas
*The Value Of 30 Foreclosed Houses

If that wasn't bad enough just read what this money has bought him:

Russ has agreed to pay child support for daughters, Ming, 9, and Aoki, 6, of $20,000 each per month until the girls turn 19, according to court papers filed in Los Angeles on Los Angeles

Kimora will retain sole legal and physical custody of the girls, with monitored visitation for Simmons.

“When the children are in [Simmons's] custody, they shall be accompanied at all times by a nanny and security detail.”

Russell also agreed to provide a new car, worth at least $60,000, for the children’s use, until they turn 16. It must be replaced every three years…

Russell, with respect, you lost sir. The truth is you needed better attorneys. In fact if I was you I'd probably buy some new attorneys to take your old attorneys to court for malpractice. I mean the fact is, if you had paid your original attorneys like you're now paying your ex-wife you wouldn't be paying your ex-wife an NBA bench players salary. You're rich though Russell and you're pinching pennies over lawyers? That's weak. Even if you were trying to cut back in this economic environment you cut back on Yoga classes or tofu and rice cakes that I know your hippie ass is into, what you don't cut corners on is lawyers. Those kinds of people are important. Ask OJ what a difference makes when you have the cream of the crop and when you have the JV team. Go ahead ask him, just don't expect him to get back to you very soon as I hear jail mail takes a couple weeks to make it through processing coming and going. About now is the time to make room for you on that list of people having the worst 2009 along with Rick Ross and Chris Brown and we're only 2 months in. Get it together.